What's new?

Nothing is new. I did a gastroscopy and survived. A truly horrifying expreience.

After a sincere consideration I came to the sad conclusion that I have no friends. I have two sisters that are my friends, but otherwise I have people that I hang out with sometimes, and I am alone. It is mostly no problem, but I am lonely and that can not be good in the long run. There is nothing I can do about it that I am not doing.

Then I think about the people that I did consider being my friends before I had this thought, and the gals I used to hang out with last year, I get a strong urge to move on. Expose my life to dynamic forces, to change, to develop myself. I want to move on, I want things to happen. I am pretty sure they will eventually.

Now I'm quite calm but I had one of my breakdown a few days ago. They don't last as long as they used to and con't cause as much damage, but still! I'm 32 years old, yea and so what? That is just me. And my mum loves me anyway (she's usually the one that gets to hear my complaining).

I would not complain ever if ...
I had a better job that was better paid
I had or could buy my own house with a garden
I had a friend, besides my sisters (whoI would'n do without at all).

Now I'm complaining a bit. I have so much to be thankful for and I am. I guess it would be good if I once and for all could decide to be hopeful and optimistic. Is that possible? To be the me I really am, all the time?

Sonogram coming up next week. (Not mine, but very much looked forward to by many.)